Can’t let go of the past

Despite the fact that I’m healing, and she’s improving/helping to fix things… I can’t let go of it all. I wish I could, but I just can’t.

I almost obsess about the past. I still go to his Tumblr and his “World of Text” to see if there’s anything that would point towards them still contacting each other or her contacting him.
I know she had posted things on his “World of Text” before (there was stuff that I thought was very obviously posted by her, and confronted her about it… she later confessed to some of them but not all).
Sometimes I’ll see new things and wonder if it’s her or not, or maybe it’s just me being paranoid.

Maybe she really has completely moved on, and has completely cut him out of her life and wants to move on and fix things with me. I want to believe that, and a large part of me does… but I can’t help but feel like there’s still some stuff I don’t know about, and that there are still things that she’s hiding from me.

Is she still posting things on his World of Text? Is she stil indirectly reaching out to him? 
Even if it was just something small and meaningless, the fact that she might post anything at ALL means she hasn’t completely moved on.

What’s worse is that I can’t even bring any of this up without things getting out of hand. Suddenly we’re talking about shit that happend 6 months ago that we’ve talked about a dozen times and don’t need to be discussed again, and we’re both miserable. 

Posting less frequently

Sorry I’ve been posting a lot less lately, but I guess my infrequent posting is a sign of improvement considering I usually just use this blog to vent and say things that I don’t say on my main one.

I still think about everything that happened on an almost daily basis, but it doesn’t cause me as much misery as it normally does. It’s still pretty fucking depressing, but nowhere near as bad as it was in the past. 

She’s genuinely trying to improve and help me get over the past. It’s nice. I still have a considerable amount of insecurities than I used to have before all this. Not sure if any of those will ever go away. I’ve considered counseling.

Have any of you tried counseling before? Does it help?

An update…

So we’re doing a lot better now. That’s not to say things are back to normal, because they definitely aren’t, but we’re doing better… Our time spent together is mostly good. We rarely ever discuss what happened in the past.

But I recently updated one of the few people in my life who actually knows what’s going on… and it just got me thinking again.

My friend asked me how I know she won’t ever do it again… and I don’t know. I have no way of knowing it won’t happen again. She tells me that she won’t do it because “she doesn’t want to hurt me again”… but that just implies that she wanted to hurt me in the first place. (Which obviously isn’t the case)

I can’t be convinced that she won’t do it again if she isn’t convinced she won’t. The best way of learning from your mistakes and to ensure you won’t make said mistakes again is to know why you did what you did. So I asked her why she did everything she did, and she said she didn’t know.

So I got pretty bugged. I told her that she needs to put more thought into the past regardless of how painful it is. She needs to know exactly why she did what she did… that’s the only way she won’t do it again. So I sent her to a website that has some really good advice regarding learning from mistakes (I’ll post a link after this).

My friend left me with some words of wisdom as well that I passed along to my girlfriend…

If a person is happy in a relationship and has everything they ever wanted or needed in it, they will not go looking for anything more from somewhere else. And if they do go looking for more, then they should ask themselves what they’re lacking or what they are unhappy with in said relationship.


Food for thought…

On another note, the guy has a girlfriend now.

I want nothing more than to contact her, and tell her everything bad about him. I want her to hurt him. I want his heart to be ripped out and thrown on the ground.
I want him to feel my pain.

But what does that make me? That makes me just as bad as him. While it sounds like fun to get “revenge” and make him feel my pain… it’s immature, stupid, and horrible. By stooping to his level I’ll only make myself more unhappy.

As difficult as it is, I need to rise above it.

But seriously, I’m so on-edge right now…. If anything happens I might fucking snap and try turning her against him just to piss him off. 

I want to. I really do. But I have to resist. That’s not who I am, and I can’t let him ruin me anymore than he already has. I can’t be that person… I owe myself that much.

Presumably, they don’t talk anymore like she claims. All I can really do is believe her. 

She’s opened up a lot more. I never used to have a desire to look at her phone to make sure she isn’t lying to me, but now she doesn’t even hesitate to show me. 
She spoke with my dad and he gave her a good talk about how she needs to be COMPLETELY open with me if she ever expects me to trust her again… And it’s actually kind of working. 

I’ve been believing her more and more every day… But I still doubt her just as much… If that makes any sense. 

I still think about everything every day. I think about the pain. I think about how much she’s hurt me. I remember what she did, and why she did it… And I feel as if I’m not good enough. I still worry that nothing well ever be the same between us.

Not proud to “show off” her boyfriend

Alright bear with me through a little bit of stupidity…

Everyone should be proud of the person they’re with. Yes, people show it in different ways, but for the most part, if you’re proud of your relationship, you’ll show that in some way. Just like people wear their favorite sports team jersey on game-day, or red/white/blue on July 4th.

You want to show off what you’re proud of, you want others to know you care about something and you’re passionate about it. So how do you show that in a relationship? Again, some people show it in different ways, but typically someone’s form of “showing off” (whether it be a talent, a friend, an object, a love, or a lover) is the same across the board.

My girlfriend started off super fired up about our relationship and it seemed to continue this way for a while. Changing her FB profile photo often, but always cycling in her favorite new photo of us. Setting the background on her computer or her phone to a photo of us. And she loved it when I did the same. She liked seeing a photo of the 2 of us as my FB default, or on my phone, or photos I’d put in frames around my room… And when I changed my phone background to something that wasn’t us, she got upset.

Fast-forward to now-ish. She hasn’t had a photo of the 2 of us on her FB since February, when the shit with the guy started brewing behind my back.
Her friends jokingly changed the photo on her phone a while back (sometime around then), and she never changed it back to a photo of us.
She finally got an iPhone, and I offered to give her some photos of us to use as her background (since she loves it so much when she sees a photo of us on my iPhone, and she used to like it on hers), she declined saying she would rather just have her own wallpapers (Her original excuse was she wanted to have a photo of her art on there, which is acceptable, but it’s been a month and a half).
She never posts about us doing anything together, or anything like that. I’m never in her photos. She never really gives a shit about sharing stuff involving me unless I hint at me liking it if she would do it.
"Oh you should check us in here or post a photo of us!"
"Oh yeah. Okay." 

I just posted a bunch of super awesome photos to FB with a bunch of photos that she kept saying “Oh that’s a really cute photo of us!!”. But when it came down to it, her FB default ended up just being a photo of her.

Ok, now please don’t misunderstand all that, I’m not complaining “because my girlfriend doesn’t have a photo of us as her default on Facebook!!”, I’m complaining that her general passion and excitement about being in a relationship with me has obviously died down despite her recent improved efforts to get things back to normal.

Still no interest in looking at a photo of us every day on her phone, no interest in having a photo of the 2 of us on her Facebook, no interest in “bragging” about us to the public.

I really feel like this is all going to come off wrong and you’re all going to think I’m whining and bitching about my girlfriend not obnoxiously bragging about me… but that isn’t really the case.
Just a little public acknowledgement that we’re together besides her FB status being “In a Relationship” would be nice. It’s Facebook… it’s fucking stupid… and I actually kind of hate it… But I still envy the relationships I see on there that have been going strong for years and years and even into marriage, and the guys and girls seem just as much in-love and stoked about each other as they were in the beginning. Writing on each others’ walls, posting about things they’re doing together. Just generally being publicly happy.

What’s a relationship if you’re not proud of it in public? What kind of love is it when you don’t want to scream it from on top of a mountain?

Are you even happy you’re with me still? 

Broken

I thought that there was no possible way that I could be more broken than I already was… But I was wrong. I was dropped, broken into a million little pieces, and driven oer with a steam roller to finish the fucking job. 

There’s no hope of putting me back together again, so why even try? I’m more than just broken. I’m destroyed. 

I’m so tired of feeling this shitty. I’m tired of constantly worrying if she’s lying to me, hiding things from me, or doing things behind my back… I’m so tired of feeling anxious every day and not being able to eat.

Why am I not worth more than this? Why am I worth just enough effort for her to fuck me over again and again?

Fuck me. Fuck my life. Fuck this. Fuck everything.
I just want to be done. 

She still talks to him…

Weeks after she agreed to delete his number from her phone to remove the temptation of talking to him, I find out that deleting his number somehow drove her to want to talk to him more.

So she memorized his number, compliments of a friend, and has been texting him constantly.
What the fuck? It’s like, whenever there’s one thing I ask her not to do, she goes out of her fucking way to do that thing. She’s like a rebellious fucking teenager.

So I spoke with him and congratulated him on fucking us over again. Just a couple weeks prior to that, him and I had a long talk where we reached a mutual understanding that he would respect our relationship. He promised to never speak with her again.
He broke that shit pretty quickly.

So I spoke with him again and let him know that my girlfriend and I are breaking up. He “lost it” and said he would call her and specifically tell her never to talk to him again… But I couldn’t listen in on the conversation.

After 40 minutes of him convincing me it has to do with making sure neither of them modify what they’re saying to suit the fact that I’m there, I let them talk. Know what I heard? Laughter. He told me he was “going to get angry with her to drive her away and hurt her” and she’s fucking laughing on the phone with him.

Wow… Real convincing. So she says she “understands” they can’t talk anymore… But I call bullshit. Fuck that. She has told me that a dozen times and he’s done the same. What makes this time different? Nothing.

So fuck me. Fuck this relationship. I don’t know what to do.
I’m way too fucking weak to break up with her. Every time I try, I just remember every single incredible moment we had together and how much I love her. She tried breaking up with me, sort of, saying I deserved better than her… But I wouldn’t even let her.

How pathetic am I?

I just want to give up

It’d be so much easier if I just gave up.
It’d be so much easier if I just didn’t try anymore.
All she does is give up when she fails, and I have to pick up the pieces or get her to try again and not give up.

What if I just stopped all that? Just called it quits.
My life would fall apart.
I feel like the only thing keeping anything or this together is me and the effort I’m putting forth. I’m exhausted. I’m so stressed out about starting a new job and moving, I don’t need anymore bullshit adding to the stress.

I can’t fucking do this.
I want to be done with everything. I don’t want to have to try anymore. Why can’t she put forth enough effort for once so I don’t have to compensate for laziness and general unwillingness to try?

Forgiving is not forgetting

I’ve forgiven her for the mistakes she’s made and the lies she’s told, yet whenever I truly think about them again or speak about them with my counselor… I become extremely hurt and emotional.

So what is this pain I’m still having? He says that if I’m still feeling hurt about what she did, then the issue obviously is not completely resolved. But what do I do?

I’ve spoken with her about her mistakes countless times, I feel like bringing them up again would only do more harm. At this point she feels like I’m just bringing them up to remind her of how shitty she was, and she feels as if I’m just trying to hurt her by bringing up old issues again, but how can I ease my mind on this issue?

He asked me how I know she won’t cheat on me. I said because she has some morals and she knows it would be wrong. I think he was expecting that, because he immediately came back with…
"Morals? What person with morals would sleep in the bed of a person she has feelings for, who also potentially has feelings for her, intoxicated… numerous times. Then lie about it to her boyfriend."

And he has an excellent point. Seriously, what the fuck?

I keep saying “Well, at the time, I don’t think she knew it was wrong.” But that’s bullshit, because if she didn’t think ANYTHING was wrong with what she was doing, why lie about it? And if she had any doubt whether what she was doing was right or wrong, why do it multiple times?  And let’s just say that she didn’t think it was wrong, but she thought that I might have a problem with it… She STILL shouldn’t have done it. 
So what was she actually thinking throughout all of that?  

Relationship tip: If you’re in a relationship and you’re questioning whether or not you should do something or not, ask yourself the simple question:
"Would I do what I’m about to do if my significant other were standing here watching me?"
It’s as simple as that. If the answer to that question is “No”, then don’t fucking do what you’re about to do. If the answer to that question is “I’m not sure.” THEN ASK THEM.
Communication is EXTREMELY important in any relationship. Without it, your relationship is as empty as one without trust, because without communication, you can’t have trust.

I really want to back-track with her and have her retell me everything that happened and her feelings while it was all happening in her own words. I want her to tell me what SHE’S thinking, not what she thinks I want to hear. I’m sick of just hearing what she thinks I want to hear. For the last fucking time, I want the truth. I don’t care if you think the truth will hurt me or not, just give me the fucking truth.

But when it comes down to it, will me asking her to explain all this to me really do anything to improve the situation?
She’ll be all upset and depressed about how “shitty of a girlfriend she is”, and what will I be? Satisfied that my girlfriend knows she fucked up? I already know that. So what do I want?
What will ease my mind? What will make thinking about all this less painful?
Hope? Hope that change is coming?

I can’t change her. You can never change someone else. If someone has a problem, they must change themselves. You can support them, but if they don’t truly want to change, then the change will never come.
If they don’t want to fix themselves, then there’s nothing you can do to help.

I’m really tired of making her feel bad. I don’t really want her to feel the pain or hurt that I’m feeling, because it sucks. I’m miserable every day whether I tell her about it or not.
I don’t want to hurt her, I just want her to care about my hurt and want to change.

I don’t want to make her feel bad, but every time I bring anything up she doesn’t do anything except shut-down and get all upset. She doesn’t reassure me that she’ll change or become determined to change. She just cries and tells me and herself that she isn’t good enough.

How the hell am I supposed to respond to that? Suddenly our roles have reversed. I’m now comforting her and telling her she’s not worthless… and I’m still completely broken inside.
When’s the last time she’s made an effort to actually comfort me?