…what if?

What if this pain I’m feeling every day never ends? What then?

What if I will never truly be happy in my relationship with her ever again?

What if things are never the same?

…What if I do break up with her?

Worried she’s losing interest

So I think a lot of these issues may have stemmed from her losing interest… or if they didn’t stem from it, I’m worried they might cause it.

I’ve read before that women can lose interest in their men over time as they get more comfortable in a relationship and stop having to work to earn approval.
They just let everything happen then they get bored…
Human nature is to want what we can’t have, and when women have what they want, where’s the fun in it? 

I never thought she would be like that, but I felt that that is what’s happening. So I looked for something online and came across exactly what I had heard before…

http://www.solvemygirlproblems.com/2010/12/how-to-keep-your-girlfriend-interested-the-desire-principle/
(Really great article. I recommend it if you’re a guy and your girl is losing interest…)

I just hate that I’m going to have to modify my behavior and act different than myself just to get her to be interested in me again. 
Why can’t I just be myself? I thought I could be honest and sensitive with her.
So now I have to bottle all my emotions. Pretend like I don’t give a shit what she does.

Make her want and work for me again.

I’ve told her too many times that I’m never going to leave her. I’ve told her a million times that I love her unconditionally and I’ll love her no matter what she does.
And that’s the truth! Why do I have to hide that?

I don’t think she’s making the conscious decision to be less interested in me… but it’s obviously happening.
The problem is, I feel like her knowing that I won’t leave her no matter what is an important part of her opening up to me. One of the huge reasons  she lied to me so much is because she was afraid that I’d be angry with her or might break up with her…

If I take that comfort away, what’s going to stop her from continuing to lie to me again?
I wouldn’t threaten to end the relationship, I just need to remove the comfort that she’ll never lose me to make her work for this relationship again.

She sees no chance of punishment for her negative actions so she walks all over me. 
She knows that no matter what she does I’ll forgive her, so she doesn’t listen to anything I ask her to do. She still has made no hint of an effort of stopping communications with him, and she won’t until I get angry about it. Why doesn’t she respond to anything other than anger?
Why can’t I just ask her to do something and have her respect that?  Why doesn’t she ever fucking listen to me?

Am I that much of a push-over?
Funny, I thought forgiveness and love were good features to have. 

scottspurplehaze:

Encouragement Through Biblical Words 

scottspurplehaze:

Encouragement Through Biblical Words 

(via beastmode-fitfreak92)

Best friends

Just once I’d like her to tell me something meaningful on her own without any sort of prodding from me.

So many girls on Facebook always post about “How lucky they are that they fell in love with their best friend…” and she never does any of that kind of shit for me.
She never publicly posts anything or even tells me I’m her best friend. Heck she doesn’t even treat me like her best friend anymore. Ever since he took my place, he’s been her best friend and I’ve been her boyfriend.

I miss the times when she made me feel like I was her best friend in the whole world.
I tell her that I love her and that she’s my best friend all the time. All she responds with is “I love you!”

Just once I’d like to hear her call me her best friend.
Just once I’d like to feel like she truly feels like I’m her best friend in the whole world.

How can I be with her yet feel so alone? 

Why can’t she let go of him?

One of the things I wanted her to do when the third lie happened was to let go of him. Remove him from her life. She agreed that she should do so.

She didn’t call him, she didn’t text him, she didn’t see him… she only saw him at work when she was working with him. (Not sure if i’ve mentioned before that they work together).

But she missed him, and she showed it.

While she was taking these “steps” to remove him from her life, behind the scenes she was still doing everything possible to hold onto whatever last bits of him she could.
Now this stuff may seem small… but it adds up to be exactly what she needs to hold onto him.

She continued to poke him on Facebook on a regular basis. She even admitted this was done as a “Hey. I’m still here.” to him. A reminder that she exists, and she still cares for him (as a friend).

I told her that that isn’t cool, and that letting go of someone means LETTING GO. How is she supposed to move on with me if she can’t even let go of him?
Does she not care about my future with her?

She “understood” that I wanted her to let go of him completely and that meant stopping side communication with him and “reaching out” to him to try and remain in contact indirectly. But, instead of truly taking what I said to heart she just stopped poking him and found another outlet. (More on this after a quick detour)

It had become increasingly obvious over the last couple weeks that he truly did have feelings for her. The volume of posts about missing and loving someone on his Tumblr skyrocketed, so I called him out on it and told him to lay off. He didn’t listen to me and instead made empty threats. My girlfriend agreed to talk to him and he admitted to her that a lot of the posts were indeed about her… and I finally got her to admit that she thinks he might have had feelings for her too. 

She recently got a new iPhone, so she began to fill it with all her social networking apps.
Instagram, DrawSomething, Words with Friends, Game Center…
And she instantly added him on every single one of those.

So I called her out on it. How does continuing to play social networking games while following him on things like Instagram and Tumblr qualify as “letting go” of someone?
She is STILL trying to hold onto him in whatever way she can.
I got her to finally confess that since she can’t have a real friendship with him, she wants to have a sort of superficial one through little games and apps so they can stay in touch.

What the hell?! They’re just iPhone apps, I know, it’s dumb… but that’s not the point.
The point is that she promised to let go of him and remove him from her life and she’s done the exact opposite of that!

I’m trying to encourage her to make her OWN decision to move on and remove him from any apps that may tempt her to remain in-contact with him… but so far she’s done nothing. If it comes down to it I may have to force her to move on… which I don’t want to do. But if she refuses to let go of him I don’t know what to do anymore. 

Brief update

It’s been a while since I’ve posted…

I’ve been healing. Healing from the pain knowing that everything she did before wasn’t just because he was her close friend, but also because she had feelings for him…

More than just that, she had feelings for him and did nothing to remove herself from the temptation of letting those feelings persist.

I’ve hit a new low. Normally I’m a pretty confident guy; however, at this point in time, I’ve never been so insecure in my life.

I can’t stop comparing myself to him. Comparing how she treats me to how she treats him. Comparing the attention she gives me to him.
I’m an insecure little shit and I need all the reassurance I can get. I need her to tell me she loves me, tell me I’m worth something, tell me that she wants *me*.

So then I think… who would want to be with someone like that?
Someone they have to take care of…
I’m no longer the strong, confident guy she fell in love with. I’m weak and insecure.
Why would she want to stay with me?
I feel as though I’m just giving her more reasons to leave me every day.
I’m trying to hard to turn myself around… and for what? What the fuck is she doing?

Then I realized something. She’s the one who screwed up and messed everything up… not me. Why am I putting so much of the blame on myself? Why am I hurting myself?
Because I love her and I hate seeing her hurt and upset. I’m trying to lift the load on her and make her feel as though i’m flawed as well… but by doing so, I feel as though I’ve taken the entire load and I’m now trying to lift it alone.

Things have improved, though. She’s actually being quite patient and wonderful to me. Trying to help reassure me of things. Trying to help me trust her again.

I will trust her again. I will be confident again. We will have a normal relationship. 

When we ended our conversation she told me she wanted to “be alone” for a while. No communication. What if she decides she’s happier this way? What if she decides she doesn’t want to be with me anymore?

I’m terrified that being alone will be better than being with me.

Why am I so scared? She’s the one that hurt me.