Can’t let go of the past

Despite the fact that I’m healing, and she’s improving/helping to fix things… I can’t let go of it all. I wish I could, but I just can’t.

I almost obsess about the past. I still go to his Tumblr and his “World of Text” to see if there’s anything that would point towards them still contacting each other or her contacting him.
I know she had posted things on his “World of Text” before (there was stuff that I thought was very obviously posted by her, and confronted her about it… she later confessed to some of them but not all).
Sometimes I’ll see new things and wonder if it’s her or not, or maybe it’s just me being paranoid.

Maybe she really has completely moved on, and has completely cut him out of her life and wants to move on and fix things with me. I want to believe that, and a large part of me does… but I can’t help but feel like there’s still some stuff I don’t know about, and that there are still things that she’s hiding from me.

Is she still posting things on his World of Text? Is she stil indirectly reaching out to him? 
Even if it was just something small and meaningless, the fact that she might post anything at ALL means she hasn’t completely moved on.

What’s worse is that I can’t even bring any of this up without things getting out of hand. Suddenly we’re talking about shit that happend 6 months ago that we’ve talked about a dozen times and don’t need to be discussed again, and we’re both miserable. 

She still talks to him…

Weeks after she agreed to delete his number from her phone to remove the temptation of talking to him, I find out that deleting his number somehow drove her to want to talk to him more.

So she memorized his number, compliments of a friend, and has been texting him constantly.
What the fuck? It’s like, whenever there’s one thing I ask her not to do, she goes out of her fucking way to do that thing. She’s like a rebellious fucking teenager.

So I spoke with him and congratulated him on fucking us over again. Just a couple weeks prior to that, him and I had a long talk where we reached a mutual understanding that he would respect our relationship. He promised to never speak with her again.
He broke that shit pretty quickly.

So I spoke with him again and let him know that my girlfriend and I are breaking up. He “lost it” and said he would call her and specifically tell her never to talk to him again… But I couldn’t listen in on the conversation.

After 40 minutes of him convincing me it has to do with making sure neither of them modify what they’re saying to suit the fact that I’m there, I let them talk. Know what I heard? Laughter. He told me he was “going to get angry with her to drive her away and hurt her” and she’s fucking laughing on the phone with him.

Wow… Real convincing. So she says she “understands” they can’t talk anymore… But I call bullshit. Fuck that. She has told me that a dozen times and he’s done the same. What makes this time different? Nothing.

So fuck me. Fuck this relationship. I don’t know what to do.
I’m way too fucking weak to break up with her. Every time I try, I just remember every single incredible moment we had together and how much I love her. She tried breaking up with me, sort of, saying I deserved better than her… But I wouldn’t even let her.

How pathetic am I?

Forgiving is not forgetting

I’ve forgiven her for the mistakes she’s made and the lies she’s told, yet whenever I truly think about them again or speak about them with my counselor… I become extremely hurt and emotional.

So what is this pain I’m still having? He says that if I’m still feeling hurt about what she did, then the issue obviously is not completely resolved. But what do I do?

I’ve spoken with her about her mistakes countless times, I feel like bringing them up again would only do more harm. At this point she feels like I’m just bringing them up to remind her of how shitty she was, and she feels as if I’m just trying to hurt her by bringing up old issues again, but how can I ease my mind on this issue?

He asked me how I know she won’t cheat on me. I said because she has some morals and she knows it would be wrong. I think he was expecting that, because he immediately came back with…
"Morals? What person with morals would sleep in the bed of a person she has feelings for, who also potentially has feelings for her, intoxicated… numerous times. Then lie about it to her boyfriend."

And he has an excellent point. Seriously, what the fuck?

I keep saying “Well, at the time, I don’t think she knew it was wrong.” But that’s bullshit, because if she didn’t think ANYTHING was wrong with what she was doing, why lie about it? And if she had any doubt whether what she was doing was right or wrong, why do it multiple times?  And let’s just say that she didn’t think it was wrong, but she thought that I might have a problem with it… She STILL shouldn’t have done it. 
So what was she actually thinking throughout all of that?  

Relationship tip: If you’re in a relationship and you’re questioning whether or not you should do something or not, ask yourself the simple question:
"Would I do what I’m about to do if my significant other were standing here watching me?"
It’s as simple as that. If the answer to that question is “No”, then don’t fucking do what you’re about to do. If the answer to that question is “I’m not sure.” THEN ASK THEM.
Communication is EXTREMELY important in any relationship. Without it, your relationship is as empty as one without trust, because without communication, you can’t have trust.

I really want to back-track with her and have her retell me everything that happened and her feelings while it was all happening in her own words. I want her to tell me what SHE’S thinking, not what she thinks I want to hear. I’m sick of just hearing what she thinks I want to hear. For the last fucking time, I want the truth. I don’t care if you think the truth will hurt me or not, just give me the fucking truth.

But when it comes down to it, will me asking her to explain all this to me really do anything to improve the situation?
She’ll be all upset and depressed about how “shitty of a girlfriend she is”, and what will I be? Satisfied that my girlfriend knows she fucked up? I already know that. So what do I want?
What will ease my mind? What will make thinking about all this less painful?
Hope? Hope that change is coming?

I can’t change her. You can never change someone else. If someone has a problem, they must change themselves. You can support them, but if they don’t truly want to change, then the change will never come.
If they don’t want to fix themselves, then there’s nothing you can do to help.

I’m really tired of making her feel bad. I don’t really want her to feel the pain or hurt that I’m feeling, because it sucks. I’m miserable every day whether I tell her about it or not.
I don’t want to hurt her, I just want her to care about my hurt and want to change.

I don’t want to make her feel bad, but every time I bring anything up she doesn’t do anything except shut-down and get all upset. She doesn’t reassure me that she’ll change or become determined to change. She just cries and tells me and herself that she isn’t good enough.

How the hell am I supposed to respond to that? Suddenly our roles have reversed. I’m now comforting her and telling her she’s not worthless… and I’m still completely broken inside.
When’s the last time she’s made an effort to actually comfort me? 

Her past mistakes

Part of this is from a recent response to an ask. But I wanted to elaborate on it a bit… plus people don’t always read ask responses so I wanted to post this.

An anon had pointed out to me that I said my girlfriend cheated on her previous boyfriend, and I honestly wasn’t aware I had even mentioned that she cheated on her last boyfriend. I think I just casually mentioned it not even realizing what I was typing because I was just typing straight from my head. Out of respect for her, I’m not going to elaborate on what happened, but it wasn’t just her arbitrarily cheating on him in the middle of their relationship. Not saying what she did was right, though. 

She obviously knows what she did was wrong and gets angry with me if I ever bring it up. 

It wouldn’t be fair to her to hold her past mistakes against her, people make mistakes and people learn from their mistakes… and they hopefully learn never to make bad mistakes like that again. Don’t judge someone based on their mistakes, judge them based on how they respond to their mistakes…

So I was never worried about it until recently.

She’s recently proven to me that she doesn’t really learn from her mistakes, because she continues to make the same mistakes over and over again.

Regarding her last boyfriend, A couple different times she had left her phone with him and he had gone through her entire phone for no reason at all. They weren’t having any problems, she wasn’t hiding anything… He just never trusted her.
Because he treated her this way, it drove her to responding in a way she shouldn’t have… hiding and lying.

She doesn’t often want to talk to me about any of this, and gets irritated with me if I bring it up. I’m not trying to remind her of the past as I want her to move on and not let it affect her anymore. His poor treatment of her 5 years ago drove her to her poor trust issues (and possibly lying… this I’m just speculating on) now.

Generally speaking, she has trouble letting go of the past. She always has.   

So when I broke her trust (for the first time in 3.25 years) and went through her Facebook, she took it extremely personally considering what had happened in the past. So she hid more, and deleted stuff she was afraid I’d see. The complete opposite of what she should have done.
If she wants someone to not go through her stuff, she needs to give them no reason to do so. Hiding, deleting things, and refusing to let them see things only makes a person MORE curious about what’s being hidden.

When I went through her stuff again this past weekend, she compared me to her previous boyfriend (They broke up 4 years ago, fucking get over it). And THAT’S what worries me.
She’s comparing me to the ex-boyfriend that she cheated on when things got bad.

That just makes me feel terrific. Theoretically it shouldn’t be an issue. She knows what she did was wrong, and she’s learned not to do it again.
But we’ve all seen what making a mistake and “learning” from that mistake looks like to her… It means making the same mistakes over and over and over again… 

welllonthebrightside said: you're post really hit home with me. I hope it all works out. Im trying to rebuild trust too, but sometimes it's not worth it

It’s worth it if you love the person you’re with. It’s only not worth it when it’s clear they’ve stopped loving you.

I know my girlfriend loves me and I know she’s not intentionally hurting me. So I’m going to work as hard as I can to trust her again like I’ve tried before.

I just hope she truly does change her lying tendencies. I don’t know how many times my trust can be broken before I’ll never be able to put it together again.

Hurting myself

I just spent a solid hour going through his Tumblr and finding old Anon asks that were probably from her.

Why the fuck do I do this to myself?

Am I trying to move on or what? Should it really matter that she HAD feelings for him anymore? It’s in the past… so why can’t I move on?

Having feelings for someone is one thing, but everything she did surrounding these feelings… I can’t get over it. What if she does it again? 

What if this all happens again in a couple years when the next “him” comes along?

A couple days before his birthday (when she confessed to his brother that she had feelings for him), this appeared in his ask box…
"Why do I like you so much? Rhetorical, but… the thought of you with anyone else is so hard." -Anon.

She also expressed feelings of jealousy when she saw him with the other girl…
That had to have been her. But does it matter? That was 4 months ago.
I just wish she would have confessed.

I want to ask her about it now but…
1. It’s 3am
2. We’re supposed to be giving each other space, which I already screwed up all day today by talking to her about random little things throughout the day, then by asking her questions tonight.

Also, I have a fucking quiz tomorrow morning that I am completely unprepared for.
I’ve been obsessing and freaking out about all of this nonsense all night.
I hate myself.

Why can’t I push all this out of my mind and move on? 


Today marks the beginning of us giving each other “space.” No texting, no calling, no communication. Just time to ourselves to think. Time to better ourselves and think about the scenario away from influence from each other.

She needs this time away from my constant questions and insecurities. All I do is ask questions and ask her to explain things to me… so she needs some time just to think for herself. 
And I need time to not depend on her for reassurance. I need to focus on moving forward and healing. 

It’s sort of like a break, but she was very careful to emphasize that it is NOT a break.
We’re still together, every “in a relationship” rule still applies, and we still shouldn’t do something the other may not approve of.

I think this will be good for us. Time away from each other to think and heal so that, when we see each other next, we’ll hopefully both be ready to look forward.

Optimism. Things will get better…. but how many times have I told myself that before, only to have her turn around and hurt me again just like she has in the past? 

Do I or do I not believe her?

When I first found out about her sleeping in his bed, I read just about every Facebook conversation the two of them had dating back to October 2011.

In 5-6 months of conversation between them, not ONCE did they make any mention of anything that might even hint at foul play.
There was never any mention of “We shouldn’t have done that.” or “Last night was fun.”
Nothing like that. Nothing that could mean something bad… At least nothing that I remember. At the time I was pretty pumped full of adrenaline at the thought of finding something… so there could have been stuff I skipped over…. but I really don’t think I missed anything.

Also, at a couple different points in the conversation, she made mention of how good of a friend he is. Even something she said after he expressed that he felt as thought I was disliking him more and more as my girlfriend hung out with him a lot more…
My girlfriend: “I wish (my name) would love you the way I love you. :(“
 Referencing that she wishes I would love him like a best friend like she does.

I highly doubt she would be talking to him about wishing that I LOVE loved him like she does.

If I’m looking at this purely based on “evidence”, (at least according to the only evidence I have - their private conversations) the evidence says that they did, in fact, not mess around. 

I wish I knew *when* that conversation actually happened. But I honestly think it was sometime in February or something like that. So after his birthday.
Because it doesn’t rule out the fact that they fooled around after that, or way before that and decided to pretend it never happened.

Just found that he apparently swore to his best friend and his best friend’s girlfriend that he didn’t do anything. ”If i knew i was gonna get in this much fucking trouble i would have actually done something” 

Really I don’t know how much other proof I need aside from what’s stated above. 
I guess the only loose end is the fact that I straight-up just do not trust her.
Even if logically, it makes sense that something is true… I’m still inclined to not believe her simply because she’s lied to me so much in the past.

It makes more sense to me that she didn’t cheat on me than if she did, yet simply because I don’t trust her… I have doubts.

It’ll take time for the trust to come back. It’ll take time for me to trust her again. Hence my blog name… (hah. Get it? Because… I need to rebuild trust… rebuilding trust… ahahhhhh…) 

Am I in the wrong?

When I told her about me going through her email she asked it I went through a specific folder.
I didn’t, but now I’m wondering if I should have.

I decided to go about it the honest way and tell her it felt like she was hiding something from me, and I asked if anything was in that folder.
She said, no, she just wanted to know to what extent I went through her emails.
But it still feels like she’s hiding something.

I asked her that, if she truly wasn’t hiding anything, if she would just show me the folder real quick just to prove it.
If there’s truly nothing to hide, I’ll see it and feel stupid for asking.
Then I’ll just feel bad for persisting about it, I’ll know she was being honest and not hiding anything.

But she said no. She isn’t going to show me. She doesn’t want to have to prove things to me, she wants me just to believe it.

She then compared me to her ex boyfriend who went through her stuff arbitrarily just for the sake of going through stuff… Then he, at some point, demanded that she show him her Facebook messages.
She didn’t want to show him because she was having a conversation with a dude she cheated on him with.
So while he was being nosy, she was also legitimately hiding something from him.

So let me ask you guys this…
Am I in the wrong for being nosy and wanting to see that she’s not hiding anything? Or do you think I’m justified in doing so?
Should she show me? Or should I just believe her and drop it?

I’m apparently not trustworthy…

She’s lied to me NUMEROUS times over the past few months and, get this… I’m the untrustworthy one. She can’t trust ME.
Why? Because in 3.5 years of a flawless track record, I went through her Facebook messages twice in 2 the last 2 months. I’ve never had any desire to do that before until she broke my trust.
But suddenly, because I slipped up 2 times, she can never trust me.

She deletes messages on her phone now. She probably deletes and hides more.

I’ve done everything I can, worked as hard as I can, to trust her again.
Believe her when I have every reason not to. Yet she feels the need to hide things from me even now.

Over the past 3.5 years, every time I’m driving or I’m busy and can’t get to my phone when she’s with me, and I get a text, I ask her to read it for me and write a response for me. No questions asked.
I don’t proof read it first, I don’t say “No!” depending on whom it’s from…
I have absolutely nothing to hide from her. Nothing. I trust her and I have no problem sharing my life with her.
Guess how many times she’s had me do that for her? Zero.
Even if we’re on a long drive, and I offer, she just says “No. I’ll read it later.”

Why does she feel the need to keep her life so hidden and separate from me?
How can she talk about marriage when she wants her life to remain so private from me?
Does she understand what marriage is?
There are no secrets in marriage.
If you marry someone, and you have all these secrets you don’t want them to know about, and you hide things on a regular basis… That marriage won’t last long.

Trust and honesty are the number one things in any relationship.
And how can she lecture me about trusting her if she doesn’t even fully trust me?