I’ve forgiven her for the mistakes she’s made and the lies she’s told, yet whenever I truly think about them again or speak about them with my counselor… I become extremely hurt and emotional.
So what is this pain I’m still having? He says that if I’m still feeling hurt about what she did, then the issue obviously is not completely resolved. But what do I do?
I’ve spoken with her about her mistakes countless times, I feel like bringing them up again would only do more harm. At this point she feels like I’m just bringing them up to remind her of how shitty she was, and she feels as if I’m just trying to hurt her by bringing up old issues again, but how can I ease my mind on this issue?
He asked me how I know she won’t cheat on me. I said because she has some morals and she knows it would be wrong. I think he was expecting that, because he immediately came back with…
"Morals? What person with morals would sleep in the bed of a person she has feelings for, who also potentially has feelings for her, intoxicated… numerous times. Then lie about it to her boyfriend."
And he has an excellent point. Seriously, what the fuck?
I keep saying “Well, at the time, I don’t think she knew it was wrong.” But that’s bullshit, because if she didn’t think ANYTHING was wrong with what she was doing, why lie about it? And if she had any doubt whether what she was doing was right or wrong, why do it multiple times? And let’s just say that she didn’t think it was wrong, but she thought that I might have a problem with it… She STILL shouldn’t have done it.
So what was she actually thinking throughout all of that?
Relationship tip: If you’re in a relationship and you’re questioning whether or not you should do something or not, ask yourself the simple question:
"Would I do what I’m about to do if my significant other were standing here watching me?"
It’s as simple as that. If the answer to that question is “No”, then don’t fucking do what you’re about to do. If the answer to that question is “I’m not sure.” THEN ASK THEM.
Communication is EXTREMELY important in any relationship. Without it, your relationship is as empty as one without trust, because without communication, you can’t have trust.
I really want to back-track with her and have her retell me everything that happened and her feelings while it was all happening in her own words. I want her to tell me what SHE’S thinking, not what she thinks I want to hear. I’m sick of just hearing what she thinks I want to hear. For the last fucking time, I want the truth. I don’t care if you think the truth will hurt me or not, just give me the fucking truth.
But when it comes down to it, will me asking her to explain all this to me really do anything to improve the situation?
She’ll be all upset and depressed about how “shitty of a girlfriend she is”, and what will I be? Satisfied that my girlfriend knows she fucked up? I already know that. So what do I want?
What will ease my mind? What will make thinking about all this less painful?
Hope? Hope that change is coming?
I can’t change her. You can never change someone else. If someone has a problem, they must change themselves. You can support them, but if they don’t truly want to change, then the change will never come.
If they don’t want to fix themselves, then there’s nothing you can do to help.
I’m really tired of making her feel bad. I don’t really want her to feel the pain or hurt that I’m feeling, because it sucks. I’m miserable every day whether I tell her about it or not.
I don’t want to hurt her, I just want her to care about my hurt and want to change.
I don’t want to make her feel bad, but every time I bring anything up she doesn’t do anything except shut-down and get all upset. She doesn’t reassure me that she’ll change or become determined to change. She just cries and tells me and herself that she isn’t good enough.
How the hell am I supposed to respond to that? Suddenly our roles have reversed. I’m now comforting her and telling her she’s not worthless… and I’m still completely broken inside.
When’s the last time she’s made an effort to actually comfort me?