Broken

I thought that there was no possible way that I could be more broken than I already was… But I was wrong. I was dropped, broken into a million little pieces, and driven oer with a steam roller to finish the fucking job. 

There’s no hope of putting me back together again, so why even try? I’m more than just broken. I’m destroyed. 

I’m so tired of feeling this shitty. I’m tired of constantly worrying if she’s lying to me, hiding things from me, or doing things behind my back… I’m so tired of feeling anxious every day and not being able to eat.

Why am I not worth more than this? Why am I worth just enough effort for her to fuck me over again and again?

Fuck me. Fuck my life. Fuck this. Fuck everything.
I just want to be done. 

She still talks to him…

Weeks after she agreed to delete his number from her phone to remove the temptation of talking to him, I find out that deleting his number somehow drove her to want to talk to him more.

So she memorized his number, compliments of a friend, and has been texting him constantly.
What the fuck? It’s like, whenever there’s one thing I ask her not to do, she goes out of her fucking way to do that thing. She’s like a rebellious fucking teenager.

So I spoke with him and congratulated him on fucking us over again. Just a couple weeks prior to that, him and I had a long talk where we reached a mutual understanding that he would respect our relationship. He promised to never speak with her again.
He broke that shit pretty quickly.

So I spoke with him again and let him know that my girlfriend and I are breaking up. He “lost it” and said he would call her and specifically tell her never to talk to him again… But I couldn’t listen in on the conversation.

After 40 minutes of him convincing me it has to do with making sure neither of them modify what they’re saying to suit the fact that I’m there, I let them talk. Know what I heard? Laughter. He told me he was “going to get angry with her to drive her away and hurt her” and she’s fucking laughing on the phone with him.

Wow… Real convincing. So she says she “understands” they can’t talk anymore… But I call bullshit. Fuck that. She has told me that a dozen times and he’s done the same. What makes this time different? Nothing.

So fuck me. Fuck this relationship. I don’t know what to do.
I’m way too fucking weak to break up with her. Every time I try, I just remember every single incredible moment we had together and how much I love her. She tried breaking up with me, sort of, saying I deserved better than her… But I wouldn’t even let her.

How pathetic am I?

Forgiving is not forgetting

I’ve forgiven her for the mistakes she’s made and the lies she’s told, yet whenever I truly think about them again or speak about them with my counselor… I become extremely hurt and emotional.

So what is this pain I’m still having? He says that if I’m still feeling hurt about what she did, then the issue obviously is not completely resolved. But what do I do?

I’ve spoken with her about her mistakes countless times, I feel like bringing them up again would only do more harm. At this point she feels like I’m just bringing them up to remind her of how shitty she was, and she feels as if I’m just trying to hurt her by bringing up old issues again, but how can I ease my mind on this issue?

He asked me how I know she won’t cheat on me. I said because she has some morals and she knows it would be wrong. I think he was expecting that, because he immediately came back with…
"Morals? What person with morals would sleep in the bed of a person she has feelings for, who also potentially has feelings for her, intoxicated… numerous times. Then lie about it to her boyfriend."

And he has an excellent point. Seriously, what the fuck?

I keep saying “Well, at the time, I don’t think she knew it was wrong.” But that’s bullshit, because if she didn’t think ANYTHING was wrong with what she was doing, why lie about it? And if she had any doubt whether what she was doing was right or wrong, why do it multiple times?  And let’s just say that she didn’t think it was wrong, but she thought that I might have a problem with it… She STILL shouldn’t have done it. 
So what was she actually thinking throughout all of that?  

Relationship tip: If you’re in a relationship and you’re questioning whether or not you should do something or not, ask yourself the simple question:
"Would I do what I’m about to do if my significant other were standing here watching me?"
It’s as simple as that. If the answer to that question is “No”, then don’t fucking do what you’re about to do. If the answer to that question is “I’m not sure.” THEN ASK THEM.
Communication is EXTREMELY important in any relationship. Without it, your relationship is as empty as one without trust, because without communication, you can’t have trust.

I really want to back-track with her and have her retell me everything that happened and her feelings while it was all happening in her own words. I want her to tell me what SHE’S thinking, not what she thinks I want to hear. I’m sick of just hearing what she thinks I want to hear. For the last fucking time, I want the truth. I don’t care if you think the truth will hurt me or not, just give me the fucking truth.

But when it comes down to it, will me asking her to explain all this to me really do anything to improve the situation?
She’ll be all upset and depressed about how “shitty of a girlfriend she is”, and what will I be? Satisfied that my girlfriend knows she fucked up? I already know that. So what do I want?
What will ease my mind? What will make thinking about all this less painful?
Hope? Hope that change is coming?

I can’t change her. You can never change someone else. If someone has a problem, they must change themselves. You can support them, but if they don’t truly want to change, then the change will never come.
If they don’t want to fix themselves, then there’s nothing you can do to help.

I’m really tired of making her feel bad. I don’t really want her to feel the pain or hurt that I’m feeling, because it sucks. I’m miserable every day whether I tell her about it or not.
I don’t want to hurt her, I just want her to care about my hurt and want to change.

I don’t want to make her feel bad, but every time I bring anything up she doesn’t do anything except shut-down and get all upset. She doesn’t reassure me that she’ll change or become determined to change. She just cries and tells me and herself that she isn’t good enough.

How the hell am I supposed to respond to that? Suddenly our roles have reversed. I’m now comforting her and telling her she’s not worthless… and I’m still completely broken inside.
When’s the last time she’s made an effort to actually comfort me? 

Her past mistakes

Part of this is from a recent response to an ask. But I wanted to elaborate on it a bit… plus people don’t always read ask responses so I wanted to post this.

An anon had pointed out to me that I said my girlfriend cheated on her previous boyfriend, and I honestly wasn’t aware I had even mentioned that she cheated on her last boyfriend. I think I just casually mentioned it not even realizing what I was typing because I was just typing straight from my head. Out of respect for her, I’m not going to elaborate on what happened, but it wasn’t just her arbitrarily cheating on him in the middle of their relationship. Not saying what she did was right, though. 

She obviously knows what she did was wrong and gets angry with me if I ever bring it up. 

It wouldn’t be fair to her to hold her past mistakes against her, people make mistakes and people learn from their mistakes… and they hopefully learn never to make bad mistakes like that again. Don’t judge someone based on their mistakes, judge them based on how they respond to their mistakes…


So I was never worried about it until recently.

She’s recently proven to me that she doesn’t really learn from her mistakes, because she continues to make the same mistakes over and over again.

Regarding her last boyfriend, A couple different times she had left her phone with him and he had gone through her entire phone for no reason at all. They weren’t having any problems, she wasn’t hiding anything… He just never trusted her.
Because he treated her this way, it drove her to responding in a way she shouldn’t have… hiding and lying.

She doesn’t often want to talk to me about any of this, and gets irritated with me if I bring it up. I’m not trying to remind her of the past as I want her to move on and not let it affect her anymore. His poor treatment of her 5 years ago drove her to her poor trust issues (and possibly lying… this I’m just speculating on) now.

Generally speaking, she has trouble letting go of the past. She always has.   

So when I broke her trust (for the first time in 3.25 years) and went through her Facebook, she took it extremely personally considering what had happened in the past. So she hid more, and deleted stuff she was afraid I’d see. The complete opposite of what she should have done.
If she wants someone to not go through her stuff, she needs to give them no reason to do so. Hiding, deleting things, and refusing to let them see things only makes a person MORE curious about what’s being hidden.

When I went through her stuff again this past weekend, she compared me to her previous boyfriend (They broke up 4 years ago, fucking get over it). And THAT’S what worries me.
She’s comparing me to the ex-boyfriend that she cheated on when things got bad.

That just makes me feel terrific. Theoretically it shouldn’t be an issue. She knows what she did was wrong, and she’s learned not to do it again.
But we’ve all seen what making a mistake and “learning” from that mistake looks like to her… It means making the same mistakes over and over and over again… 

How many times can a vase shatter and be fixed until it’s too broken, and in too many pieces, that you just can’t put it back together again?

Space

Today marks the beginning of us giving each other “space.” No texting, no calling, no communication. Just time to ourselves to think. Time to better ourselves and think about the scenario away from influence from each other.

She needs this time away from my constant questions and insecurities. All I do is ask questions and ask her to explain things to me… so she needs some time just to think for herself. 
And I need time to not depend on her for reassurance. I need to focus on moving forward and healing. 


It’s sort of like a break, but she was very careful to emphasize that it is NOT a break.
We’re still together, every “in a relationship” rule still applies, and we still shouldn’t do something the other may not approve of.

I think this will be good for us. Time away from each other to think and heal so that, when we see each other next, we’ll hopefully both be ready to look forward.

Optimism. Things will get better…. but how many times have I told myself that before, only to have her turn around and hurt me again just like she has in the past? 

Do I or do I not believe her?

When I first found out about her sleeping in his bed, I read just about every Facebook conversation the two of them had dating back to October 2011.

In 5-6 months of conversation between them, not ONCE did they make any mention of anything that might even hint at foul play.
There was never any mention of “We shouldn’t have done that.” or “Last night was fun.”
Nothing like that. Nothing that could mean something bad… At least nothing that I remember. At the time I was pretty pumped full of adrenaline at the thought of finding something… so there could have been stuff I skipped over…. but I really don’t think I missed anything.

Also, at a couple different points in the conversation, she made mention of how good of a friend he is. Even something she said after he expressed that he felt as thought I was disliking him more and more as my girlfriend hung out with him a lot more…
My girlfriend: “I wish (my name) would love you the way I love you. :(“
 Referencing that she wishes I would love him like a best friend like she does.

I highly doubt she would be talking to him about wishing that I LOVE loved him like she does.

If I’m looking at this purely based on “evidence”, (at least according to the only evidence I have - their private conversations) the evidence says that they did, in fact, not mess around. 

I wish I knew *when* that conversation actually happened. But I honestly think it was sometime in February or something like that. So after his birthday.
Because it doesn’t rule out the fact that they fooled around after that, or way before that and decided to pretend it never happened.

Just found that he apparently swore to his best friend and his best friend’s girlfriend that he didn’t do anything. ”If i knew i was gonna get in this much fucking trouble i would have actually done something” 

Really I don’t know how much other proof I need aside from what’s stated above. 
I guess the only loose end is the fact that I straight-up just do not trust her.
Even if logically, it makes sense that something is true… I’m still inclined to not believe her simply because she’s lied to me so much in the past.

It makes more sense to me that she didn’t cheat on me than if she did, yet simply because I don’t trust her… I have doubts.

It’ll take time for the trust to come back. It’ll take time for me to trust her again. Hence my blog name… (hah. Get it? Because… I need to rebuild trust… rebuilding trust… ahahhhhh…) 

How do I know?

How do I know she never cheated on me?
How will I ever know?
All she can do is tell me she didn’t, and all I can do is believe her. But do I believe her? 

He posted a photo on his Tumblr of graffiti that said “Didn’t get caught.”
Generally speaking, he likes graffiti, so it could just be that. But, holy shit I can’t stop looking into it more than that.

I’ve told her I believe that she didn’t cheat on me, but do I actually believe her? Deep down, do I really think she didn’t cheat on me if something so tiny can dislodge my belief and make me completely question everything. 

If something as seemingly insignificant as an image on his Tumblr can make me wonder if they really did fool around without getting caught, then, deep down, I obviously don’t truly believe she’s innocent.

Am I in the wrong?

When I told her about me going through her email she asked it I went through a specific folder.
I didn’t, but now I’m wondering if I should have.

I decided to go about it the honest way and tell her it felt like she was hiding something from me, and I asked if anything was in that folder.
She said, no, she just wanted to know to what extent I went through her emails.
But it still feels like she’s hiding something.

I asked her that, if she truly wasn’t hiding anything, if she would just show me the folder real quick just to prove it.
If there’s truly nothing to hide, I’ll see it and feel stupid for asking.
Then I’ll just feel bad for persisting about it, I’ll know she was being honest and not hiding anything.

But she said no. She isn’t going to show me. She doesn’t want to have to prove things to me, she wants me just to believe it.

She then compared me to her ex boyfriend who went through her stuff arbitrarily just for the sake of going through stuff… Then he, at some point, demanded that she show him her Facebook messages.
She didn’t want to show him because she was having a conversation with a dude she cheated on him with.
So while he was being nosy, she was also legitimately hiding something from him.

So let me ask you guys this…
Am I in the wrong for being nosy and wanting to see that she’s not hiding anything? Or do you think I’m justified in doing so?
Should she show me? Or should I just believe her and drop it?